Life Now

I had ample time to sit and muse today. As usual I've been over thinking and over analyzing just about anything that pops up in my head. I guess I couldn't really call it "thinking" because it was too scattered. Too many ideas at once. Still in the process of leaving this cul-de-sac of a town. I really want to just throw up all over Moore County. That would be the day. Living in Charlotte has been a very good thing for me. I had an epiphany about this time last week that it is what's best for me. I have to get away from everything pulling me down here, holding me back from what I want and need to do. I'm almost officially ready to start my life. I'm only back because something in my gut told me I needed to. Having a few jobs set up for next week makes me feel like I'm doing something awesome for myself and I haven't felt that way in a while.

I'm a Rapper, Too

No Offense, But Please Take Offense

You think you know me,
you're out your ignorant mind
with psychotic impulses, and third eye blind
to the real world you're empty,
a shallow shell of shame
so sick of the cliche,
always searching for a scapegoat, or someone to blame
a felon knows more about the world and its equation
than one without a brain in its silent sedation
with negativity seeping through such hollow skin
you can't see the beauty of truth and hope
you turn to what's wrong to try and cope
you're always searching for the hurt to just go away, end
i'll believe when i see that you changed, my friend
close your legs, open a book
and find spirtuality
instead of looking for another to express sexuality
it doesn't matter how you dress, it's how you prove intelligence
and all this madness in the press and the media, it's irrelevance
think about how you really should be,
and all of what you could be
i hope you cry when you realize that you aren't happy
when you toss away pride and you give yourself away
to someone who only really wants you for a day
learn from mistakes, because change is real
learn to express the things you feel
don't let them walk away with a piece of you
you can never have back
and you'll matter to few
you know damn well what i'm saying is true
so take a second to think it through

Thoughts & Ideas

Deal With What's Real

Often I sit with a blank stare. Mind you, it's not that my mind is as blank as my eyes. They say our eyes are windows to the soul. I don't believe this is true. My eyes are just spheres holding my brain in that project what I can see. I'm always so overrun with thoughts and ideas that I can't even verbally relay them. I don't even always understand myself. But how I love it. Not having a soul to listen to what comes to mind is the worst. It's so hard to know if the words I speak are being appreciated or coming from my lips, falling to deaf ears and dying as they hit the airwaves. Good friends sometimes, (but not always) understand, and hopefully try to make sense of things. In meeting people, I want to know if they can incorporate my passion into their life. My thoughts are so precious to me that I only want those I feel can handle them to hear my words. Because they deserve it.

Pass It On

Start a revolution by being ouspoken. Even the most close-minded conformists will hear and respect the wit it takes to go against what is looked at as "natural" by the majority. The more they argue, the closer you are to getting in their heads. The ability to speak to other people about anything should be used as a positive gateway to making the world a better place. Instead of rumors, we should spread ideas. Try to be a positive influence on others. In most cases they will carry your positivity and thoughts to others. The chain goes on endlessly. People all have the capability to develop their own theories about anything. If nobody hears you speak your mind, your words can't be appreciated. It can't be relayed to the valuable people that can make your ideas a reality that could change the world. For better or worse. Even though we die, ideas can live on if significant enough to alter minds that welcome honest opinion. If one person strongly believes in something, there is 100% chance someone else feels that way somewhere. It can sometimes be difficult to easily convey thoughts meaningful to oneself. Sometimes, the best ones come from experience.
Sometimes, they have to be learned. It can be scary having thoughts that might cause conflict, that is why a lot goes unspoken. It is amazingly unbelievable how many things we are capable of doing and now know because a single person's idea. I think
it's crazy imagining how many ideas can alter the world.

What is Equality?

Flaws are beautiful. Though wired in minds in this country that we are all equal, is there really truth to that statement? I believe real equality means the circumstances throughout an entire lifetime from birth to death are fair game. Many factors prevent this statement from being true. But it is what you make of it. Life is a gift no matter what situation you are in. It's up to us to make mistakes and learn from them. Decisions make us who we are. But who is to say what is really real? It's up to you what you believe. I'm just here to speak my mind, remember?

Emotion

*Evil is the most selfish, inevitable, mental, mind-altering drug.
*Hate does not exist, it is simply a word for the weak-hearted, dependant souls to use and abuse.
*Conformity is a step to discovering your inescapable hidden ego and a crying yearn for the human desire
of acceptance.
*Sadness if a step to happiness, a way to release pain, and a sign for the universal need of genuine companionship
and love.
*Love is not a word, it is an action. It can only spread to those willing to prove selflessness.
*Envy is the often masked sister of jealousy, the cousin of greed, the dauhter of selfishness.

Meet Tina Marie

I am lost. I am hopeful. I am passionate. I am weak. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am ugly. I am weak. I am strong. I am hateless. I am aware. I am strange. I am proud. I am narcissitic. I am carefree. I am confident. I am broken. I am a soul-searcher. I am loved. I am hated. I am human. I am gullible. I am persuasive. I am decadent. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am dying. I am living. I am trustworthy. I am trusting. I am caring. I am creative. I am honest. I am joyful. I am musical. I am friendly.
I am charismatic. I am energetic. I am sexual. I am simple. I am obnoxious. I am loud. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I am lovely. I am playful. I am bossy. I am prone to procrastination. I am stubborn. I am ruthless. I am real. I am who I am.

Poetry

Listening to: Kathleen (David Gray)

These are not all of my poetry from my notebook. I'll add more when I get around to it. This goes the same for the rest of my similarly titled posts.

Untitled

Everyone fears be undoubtedly flawed
yet we are all one
magnificent people externally
all our blood is red
mortal torment makes conformity
bringing opposites together, inevitably
we are all so good at existance
but where is the passion?
and who is to say when love is real?
what is accomplishment?
words, words, words, actions, painful, heartwrenching, words

Untitled

It can be so lonely in your head
engulfed by secrets left unsaid
who is to know? who can you blame?
what is the truth?
are all people the same?
image is one thing, but how irrelevant
in what makes us human, it's one small component
our souls are worth much more
yet always overlooked
years full of pain
hung on your hook
well, we all have our vices
and our own reasons why
for our actions in life
but everything dies

Untitled

Elysian peace is what I seek,
a prideless prize without critique,
of pestering peers, and troubled tomorrows,
far from anguish, and fear and sorrows.
A sheer mask laid over my heart,
deadening feeling when I depart.
Away from the crowds, away from the rush.
Almost a shield, unable to crush.
It cradles me, allows me to emote,
working as my favorite scapegoat.
My pretend life as one without care,
allowing me to believe the world may be fair.

Untitled

I wish I flowed through your veins
and the cuts under your sleeves bled me
and you noticed how close I wish I could be
to your frail existance
and I wish I held you together
like the glue you so need
it would be lovely, indeed
to be what kept you from falling apart and breaking

Untitled

I fall apart
pieces of who I was, pieces of who I am
kill the demons that tear at my flesh
and rip my soul to empty me
rid me of emotion
and accuse my maker
these abrasions tattoo skin
thick skin and ugliness
open wounds to punish yourself
worthless and terrible
wreckless and unbearable
painfully empty

Untitled

Mechanical brains, taught to think the same
rolling through motions like wheels on a train
think nothing of a major ordain
and kill yourself a little more everyday
nobody hears your cries
nobody seems to live for love
the sound of the bottle is music
be afraid
heartless monsters will eat you up
and demolish, corrupt
they lead you and feed you
to make you not feel
and hide the pain that you can't conceal

Untitled

In my head
visions collect in my brain
torment and tease me
makes me insane
I've become my worse nightmare
part of the walking dead
seeing in black and white
pixelated memory fading away
I won't fight for them anymore
absorb the madness that makes it alright
so I can breathe again
inhale, exhale
automatic system
God's given right
your day is my night
I live by the moon,
if I'm living at all
clocks seem to tick backwards
and I walk the same way
I still can't find the right words to say
nothing can make this go away

Untitled

Her eyes seen more than you would in nine lives
you wouldn't believe the tears they've cried
and the grins of people you couldn't call sane
and the infinite sky pounding down rain
kaleidoscope eyes, full of sadness
colors meshing into blurry madness
of sights, thoughts, visions, no one should see
and unacceptable reality

Long Time Coming

I'm back, and this time, my writings are from a time in my life very hard to speak about. Everything written is freshly excerpted from a composition book full of my thoughts, theories, poetry, pictures, everything. Though it was built on a specific idea, I think many will be able to relate to a lot of ideas. It is in no specific order and I will start posting a new one every time I can. These are all created by me and are circa March-August 2010.

Ramble

This apartment is starting to look really sad. Boxes fill it up and it's just too clean, it doesn't quite feel like home anymore. I guess it's not home for long. Two more days until I have to start all over again. Trip to the Philippines got cancelled (depressing!) Things aren't going to well with the familia. If my dad didn't have to be such a jerk, things may be a little different. On the bright side, I've been reeling in a lot of e-mails from photographers here in North Carolina, even a few in New York. That means more travel, also meaning more money to spend! Modeling is such a cut throat business. Not only in that everyone is so critical about everything involving you, but because it really breaks your wallet, also. Traveling up to NYC for a shoot is NOT cheap. Knowing you're getting paid to have your pictures taken is always wonderful and it looks great on your resume, but sometimes you spend more than you make. I know in the long run it won't be but small pickles. Things will get better. It always does somehow.

Facebook

FACEBOOK is the BEST waste of time I have ever gotten addicted to. I'm a very social person, and though, not very social, it's always fun meeting new people. Even if it's through technology. The world has gotten so lazy that instead of meeting someone in a really cute way, like while walking your dogs you run into each other like in a stupid love movie, you do it online. But not in the creeper way like adultfriendfinder or one of those weird commercials on TV. I mean, it's going to lead to something. You get things done a lot faster on facebook, like if you really want to argue with someone. But it's very easy to misunderstand what somebody is trying to say and there are so many things you need to be careful of with the facebook stuff. For example, people are always going to judge you whether it be on facebook or in real life, but at least when it's in person you can see someone laughing at your outfit. Facebook pictures can be a very fun past-time for people that really don't like you. They probably go through all your pictures with their friends and laugh at the horrible one without passing judgement on the mediocre or good ones. I would know because I've done this before. I know, I know, it's pathetic, but still.

Alone Vs. Lonely

You've all heard this before, "like being alone in a room full of people." I sometimes feel this way, I'm sure many people do. And how I envy the ones who can happily say they never feel this way. I wonder how many people can actually say that... Everyone feels lonely or alone sometimes. I believe there is a difference between the two. Loneliness seems to be easily cured by someone simply stepping in and lending an ear or a shoulder or even some type of sympathy for whatever the situation might be. Being alone is quite different, there are people there, sometimes people pretending to be your friend, but no one really listens. They might say they are, but it's never fun being alone with someone who inhales how you feel and then blows it right back out. These are the selfish people who care about themselves. They are the friends who do this...
Example:
Victim: I've just been so out of it lately... My family life is really taking a turn for the worse and--
"Friend": Don't worry dude, I totally get it. I totally get you. I understand. Like, the same damn thing is always happening to me. I'm always getting prodded by my parents to be the perfect--
HOLD IT. There is definately something wrong with this conversation. Who brought the conversation up? Who came to the supposed friend for help? Yes, that would be the victim. I HATE people who tell me they're going to be there for me when I need them or someone to talk to and turn the tables towards themselves. Then, of course, I listen to them and give them my best advice, the type of advice easy to give and hard to follow, and I'm back in the same situation, square one. I'm never going to understand how one can be so into themselves that they don't want to make someone feel better when they really need it. You know?

The Sound of Settling

I am still sitting here figuring this whole thing out. I finally got a suitable color, pink, of course. And for a while it was translating everything I typed into Hindu, one of the languages I definately do NOT know, and so that's fixed as well. I really miss Korea. I miss the people. I miss the food. I miss the subway... Even the annoying sound of cars all the time. I miss the beautiful view from my bedroom, especially.

This is me after drinking some of the ever popular "rice wine" Soju enjoying a time with some friends in what's called "noraebang" which means singing room. You can sing karaoke for about an hour or if the person working that night likes you, then, a little bit longer. Don't ask what I'm doing.

This is J. Boogie from MTV, my friend Stella and I. I had the opportunity to go to a few clubs with him, Frankie J, Frankie's amazing guitarist Andy Quinn whom I still speak to and Fez (Wilmer Valderrama) from That Seventy's Show with a few of my friends including Stella. A long story I can write about later!

This is one of my friends Ashley and I enjoying some kimbap at a popular place to eat called "kimbap jungoo."

On my friend Vanessa's birthday we decided to take the subway and hit town to do some shopping and get Vanessa's belly button pierced. This is the door that leads from car to car of the subway. Look closely at the reflection on the door and you can see a bunch of probably annoyed koreans sitting quietly as we disrupt their paper readings.

Here is an angle of the apartment I used to live in, I was on the fourteenth floor.

This is a picture of the view I saw from the first apartment we lived in in Korea, as you can see in the distance, there are only apartments. Houses have been diminished and replaced by highrises to accomodate the Korean population. Just in Seoul, there is about 10 million people and it's the fifth largest city in the whole world. You'd think there would be immaculate amounts of crime, but it isn't true here. Nearly half the population of Korea lives in Seoul. The river in this picture is called "Hanggang." I always got really annoyed when someone called it the "Hanggang River" because gang means river. No, it's not pronounced like the way we say gang, like crips or bloods. It's pronounced like "gong."

Another shot of a couple apartments in the complex I lived in.

I can assure you many more pictures to come including some from Korea of course.

Random Rantings

I have a bad feeling about this blogging adventure. Addiction. It's happened before, it could happen again. Well, today I'm supposed to be going to South Carolina. What a terrible way to spend New Year's. I think I'm a bit far behind with technology. Everyone has updated to "vlogging" now... which I'm really not interested in. You look stupid, vloggers. Vlogging your life away on camera for everyone to see. You look like stupid, desperate... ah, who am I kidding? I'm just jealous that I don't have an awesome camera. I do have a youtube though in which you can view a couple of my random dance videos and monologues I do. I like this blogging idea though. I don't have to look pretty to do it, and it takes less time. At least I think it does because I type maybe an average of 938749823478 words per minute. I used to love those keyboard games in computer class. You know, the ones where they gave you a sentence to type and you had to do it without making mistakes or backspacing or the teacher would give you an F. And I think all the cartoons and floating bubbles on the screen were just huge distractions for 3rd graders. Well, I just get easily distracted, but somehow I passed 3rd grade... Hold on, wait a minute, no I definitely did not. Actually, this is what happened. I moved from Wiesbaden, Germany to Flower Mound, Texas after 3rd grade, I passed it and everything... Then, guess what happened. I was 8 or 9 years old and in 4th grade and everyone called me shrimp. I was obviously way too young to endure that kind of BS and I was just your average socially awkward kid, so they put me back in 3rd grade. For the second time. I had passed it the first time!! I had a horrible teacher named Mrs. Mapes. I called her Mrs. Maplesyrup and she didn't like that. She also didn't like that I was perhaps a bit more smarter than she was. Mrs. Mapes' class was where I met my "first boyfriend" Drake Buchanan. I thought he was just the cutest thing. Never was I the girl that thought boys had cooties. In fact, I tried my hardest to be one of the boys so I could get closer to him. It was ridiculous. Well, I'm glad they kicked me out of 4th grade, that psychotic teacher with the crazy Russian name 4 times divorced and undecided was mean and my next 4th grade teacher, Mrs. Wenzel (yes, I passed 3rd grade, again... big surprise) ended up being the best teacher I'd ever have. Speaking of Drake Buchanan, I had him in my class again in 5th grade, Mrs. Salser, still at Donald Elementary after a bajillion years of working as a teacher. That's when I stole him from my best friend Amber Norman, she forgave me because back then, boyfriends were really just someone you said hi too and played with at recess occasionally. My relationship with Drake started when we got new seats in class one day, we were right next to each other and since I loved drawing, to show my affection I drew him and me, cut them out and put them on popsicle sticks. We played with them in class... a few days later we stopped being "together" because he got me in trouble for bringing Pokemon cards to school. I really don't know how I jump subjects so much, but I hope you're still reading and still interested. Drake Buchanan passed away my freshman year in high school. R.I.P. Below is the story of Drake, let it be a warning to you high school kids.

(The truck had flipped, wrapped around a tree and burst into flames by the time passenger Colena Kuhlmann dialed for help. In between desperate breaths and screams for help, the 15-year-old Flower Mound girl begged the 911 operator to send help.
"My friend's on fire," she can be heard saying on a 911 recording released Monday. "Oh my God."
As other 911 calls about the Dec. 29 accident poured in, Colena frantically worked to get her friends out of the burning vehicle.
"You guys, you gotta get out," she can be heard saying on the call.
The cellphone call and reports show the desperate moments immediately after an accident that has claimed two teenagers' lives and sent shockwaves through the lakeside suburb during the holidays.
Driver Drake Buchanan, 14, died at the scene. A second teen, 13-year-old Hunter McGee, died Saturday of injuries suffered in the accident.
According to the accident report, Drake was driving a 1994 Ford Ranger pickup west on Flower Mound Road about 3 a.m. Dec. 29.
As he passed the intersection with Furlong Drive, he hit the median and overcorrected to the right. The truck turned about 90 degrees while still moving west and hit the other curb. The truck then became airborne, rolled and struck a tree. Christina Kuhlmann, Colena's twin, was ejected during the flip, the report says. The truck burst into flames after it came to rest.
According to police and the reports, Colena was in the passenger seat of the truck and pulled herself out through the passenger window after the crash. She was the only one wearing a seat belt, the report said. In the frantic moments after the impact, Colena talked to a 911 operator as she began pulling her friends to safety. First was 13-year-old Joseph Schaefer, who was in the center rear of the truck's cab.
"Joe, you gotta get up, baby," she can be heard saying on the 911 recording. "Get out!"
She then helped Hunter, who was sitting behind Drake. Drake was trapped in the truck as it burned. He died at the scene.
"He's dead," Colena can be heard saying on the recording. "Oh my God."
The four surviving teens were taken to Parkland Memorial Hospital, where Hunter died Saturday.
David Tickner, principal of Forestwood Middle School, where Hunter was a student, described the boy as a sweet, funny and well-liked teen who touched a lot of lives.
"He was a great kid," Mr. Tickner said. "He was very popular. He had a great sense of humor.")

Reading that again for the fiftieth time, and first in two and a half years actually still kills me, I felt my stomach churn. Anyways, on that note, I'm going to finish this right here. Thanks for reading.

A New Beginning

As my New Year's '09 resolution, I've decided to take on the infinite world of blogging.. yet again.. (after careful reconsidering). And so, I appreciate any random wandering eyes engrossed on the screen in front of you. There is a lot i am trying to do this year and this is what I'm going to call "Project Feeble Attempt at a Valiant Effort." I hope you follow my words as I eventually continue writing, complaining, ranting and preaching in the beautiful and artistic world of bloggage.