12.11.10
Life Now
I had ample time to sit and muse today. As usual I've been over thinking and over analyzing just about anything that pops up in my head. I guess I couldn't really call it "thinking" because it was too scattered. Too many ideas at once. Still in the process of leaving this cul-de-sac of a town. I really want to just throw up all over Moore County. That would be the day. Living in Charlotte has been a very good thing for me. I had an epiphany about this time last week that it is what's best for me. I have to get away from everything pulling me down here, holding me back from what I want and need to do. I'm almost officially ready to start my life. I'm only back because something in my gut told me I needed to. Having a few jobs set up for next week makes me feel like I'm doing something awesome for myself and I haven't felt that way in a while.
I'm a Rapper, Too
No Offense, But Please Take Offense
You think you know me,
you're out your ignorant mind
with psychotic impulses, and third eye blind
to the real world you're empty,
a shallow shell of shame
so sick of the cliche,
always searching for a scapegoat, or someone to blame
a felon knows more about the world and its equation
than one without a brain in its silent sedation
with negativity seeping through such hollow skin
you can't see the beauty of truth and hope
you turn to what's wrong to try and cope
you're always searching for the hurt to just go away, end
i'll believe when i see that you changed, my friend
close your legs, open a book
and find spirtuality
instead of looking for another to express sexuality
it doesn't matter how you dress, it's how you prove intelligence
and all this madness in the press and the media, it's irrelevance
think about how you really should be,
and all of what you could be
i hope you cry when you realize that you aren't happy
when you toss away pride and you give yourself away
to someone who only really wants you for a day
learn from mistakes, because change is real
learn to express the things you feel
don't let them walk away with a piece of you
you can never have back
and you'll matter to few
you know damn well what i'm saying is true
so take a second to think it through
You think you know me,
you're out your ignorant mind
with psychotic impulses, and third eye blind
to the real world you're empty,
a shallow shell of shame
so sick of the cliche,
always searching for a scapegoat, or someone to blame
a felon knows more about the world and its equation
than one without a brain in its silent sedation
with negativity seeping through such hollow skin
you can't see the beauty of truth and hope
you turn to what's wrong to try and cope
you're always searching for the hurt to just go away, end
i'll believe when i see that you changed, my friend
close your legs, open a book
and find spirtuality
instead of looking for another to express sexuality
it doesn't matter how you dress, it's how you prove intelligence
and all this madness in the press and the media, it's irrelevance
think about how you really should be,
and all of what you could be
i hope you cry when you realize that you aren't happy
when you toss away pride and you give yourself away
to someone who only really wants you for a day
learn from mistakes, because change is real
learn to express the things you feel
don't let them walk away with a piece of you
you can never have back
and you'll matter to few
you know damn well what i'm saying is true
so take a second to think it through
Thoughts & Ideas
Deal With What's Real
Often I sit with a blank stare. Mind you, it's not that my mind is as blank as my eyes. They say our eyes are windows to the soul. I don't believe this is true. My eyes are just spheres holding my brain in that project what I can see. I'm always so overrun with thoughts and ideas that I can't even verbally relay them. I don't even always understand myself. But how I love it. Not having a soul to listen to what comes to mind is the worst. It's so hard to know if the words I speak are being appreciated or coming from my lips, falling to deaf ears and dying as they hit the airwaves. Good friends sometimes, (but not always) understand, and hopefully try to make sense of things. In meeting people, I want to know if they can incorporate my passion into their life. My thoughts are so precious to me that I only want those I feel can handle them to hear my words. Because they deserve it.
Pass It On
Start a revolution by being ouspoken. Even the most close-minded conformists will hear and respect the wit it takes to go against what is looked at as "natural" by the majority. The more they argue, the closer you are to getting in their heads. The ability to speak to other people about anything should be used as a positive gateway to making the world a better place. Instead of rumors, we should spread ideas. Try to be a positive influence on others. In most cases they will carry your positivity and thoughts to others. The chain goes on endlessly. People all have the capability to develop their own theories about anything. If nobody hears you speak your mind, your words can't be appreciated. It can't be relayed to the valuable people that can make your ideas a reality that could change the world. For better or worse. Even though we die, ideas can live on if significant enough to alter minds that welcome honest opinion. If one person strongly believes in something, there is 100% chance someone else feels that way somewhere. It can sometimes be difficult to easily convey thoughts meaningful to oneself. Sometimes, the best ones come from experience.
Sometimes, they have to be learned. It can be scary having thoughts that might cause conflict, that is why a lot goes unspoken. It is amazingly unbelievable how many things we are capable of doing and now know because a single person's idea. I think
it's crazy imagining how many ideas can alter the world.
What is Equality?
Flaws are beautiful. Though wired in minds in this country that we are all equal, is there really truth to that statement? I believe real equality means the circumstances throughout an entire lifetime from birth to death are fair game. Many factors prevent this statement from being true. But it is what you make of it. Life is a gift no matter what situation you are in. It's up to us to make mistakes and learn from them. Decisions make us who we are. But who is to say what is really real? It's up to you what you believe. I'm just here to speak my mind, remember?
Emotion
*Evil is the most selfish, inevitable, mental, mind-altering drug.
*Hate does not exist, it is simply a word for the weak-hearted, dependant souls to use and abuse.
*Conformity is a step to discovering your inescapable hidden ego and a crying yearn for the human desire
of acceptance.
*Sadness if a step to happiness, a way to release pain, and a sign for the universal need of genuine companionship
and love.
*Love is not a word, it is an action. It can only spread to those willing to prove selflessness.
*Envy is the often masked sister of jealousy, the cousin of greed, the dauhter of selfishness.
Meet Tina Marie
I am lost. I am hopeful. I am passionate. I am weak. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am ugly. I am weak. I am strong. I am hateless. I am aware. I am strange. I am proud. I am narcissitic. I am carefree. I am confident. I am broken. I am a soul-searcher. I am loved. I am hated. I am human. I am gullible. I am persuasive. I am decadent. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am dying. I am living. I am trustworthy. I am trusting. I am caring. I am creative. I am honest. I am joyful. I am musical. I am friendly.
I am charismatic. I am energetic. I am sexual. I am simple. I am obnoxious. I am loud. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I am lovely. I am playful. I am bossy. I am prone to procrastination. I am stubborn. I am ruthless. I am real. I am who I am.
Often I sit with a blank stare. Mind you, it's not that my mind is as blank as my eyes. They say our eyes are windows to the soul. I don't believe this is true. My eyes are just spheres holding my brain in that project what I can see. I'm always so overrun with thoughts and ideas that I can't even verbally relay them. I don't even always understand myself. But how I love it. Not having a soul to listen to what comes to mind is the worst. It's so hard to know if the words I speak are being appreciated or coming from my lips, falling to deaf ears and dying as they hit the airwaves. Good friends sometimes, (but not always) understand, and hopefully try to make sense of things. In meeting people, I want to know if they can incorporate my passion into their life. My thoughts are so precious to me that I only want those I feel can handle them to hear my words. Because they deserve it.
Pass It On
Start a revolution by being ouspoken. Even the most close-minded conformists will hear and respect the wit it takes to go against what is looked at as "natural" by the majority. The more they argue, the closer you are to getting in their heads. The ability to speak to other people about anything should be used as a positive gateway to making the world a better place. Instead of rumors, we should spread ideas. Try to be a positive influence on others. In most cases they will carry your positivity and thoughts to others. The chain goes on endlessly. People all have the capability to develop their own theories about anything. If nobody hears you speak your mind, your words can't be appreciated. It can't be relayed to the valuable people that can make your ideas a reality that could change the world. For better or worse. Even though we die, ideas can live on if significant enough to alter minds that welcome honest opinion. If one person strongly believes in something, there is 100% chance someone else feels that way somewhere. It can sometimes be difficult to easily convey thoughts meaningful to oneself. Sometimes, the best ones come from experience.
Sometimes, they have to be learned. It can be scary having thoughts that might cause conflict, that is why a lot goes unspoken. It is amazingly unbelievable how many things we are capable of doing and now know because a single person's idea. I think
it's crazy imagining how many ideas can alter the world.
What is Equality?
Flaws are beautiful. Though wired in minds in this country that we are all equal, is there really truth to that statement? I believe real equality means the circumstances throughout an entire lifetime from birth to death are fair game. Many factors prevent this statement from being true. But it is what you make of it. Life is a gift no matter what situation you are in. It's up to us to make mistakes and learn from them. Decisions make us who we are. But who is to say what is really real? It's up to you what you believe. I'm just here to speak my mind, remember?
Emotion
*Evil is the most selfish, inevitable, mental, mind-altering drug.
*Hate does not exist, it is simply a word for the weak-hearted, dependant souls to use and abuse.
*Conformity is a step to discovering your inescapable hidden ego and a crying yearn for the human desire
of acceptance.
*Sadness if a step to happiness, a way to release pain, and a sign for the universal need of genuine companionship
and love.
*Love is not a word, it is an action. It can only spread to those willing to prove selflessness.
*Envy is the often masked sister of jealousy, the cousin of greed, the dauhter of selfishness.
Meet Tina Marie
I am lost. I am hopeful. I am passionate. I am weak. I am strong. I am beautiful. I am ugly. I am weak. I am strong. I am hateless. I am aware. I am strange. I am proud. I am narcissitic. I am carefree. I am confident. I am broken. I am a soul-searcher. I am loved. I am hated. I am human. I am gullible. I am persuasive. I am decadent. I am funny. I am intelligent. I am dying. I am living. I am trustworthy. I am trusting. I am caring. I am creative. I am honest. I am joyful. I am musical. I am friendly.
I am charismatic. I am energetic. I am sexual. I am simple. I am obnoxious. I am loud. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I am lovely. I am playful. I am bossy. I am prone to procrastination. I am stubborn. I am ruthless. I am real. I am who I am.
Poetry
Listening to: Kathleen (David Gray)
These are not all of my poetry from my notebook. I'll add more when I get around to it. This goes the same for the rest of my similarly titled posts.
Untitled
Everyone fears be undoubtedly flawed
yet we are all one
magnificent people externally
all our blood is red
mortal torment makes conformity
bringing opposites together, inevitably
we are all so good at existance
but where is the passion?
and who is to say when love is real?
what is accomplishment?
words, words, words, actions, painful, heartwrenching, words
Untitled
It can be so lonely in your head
engulfed by secrets left unsaid
who is to know? who can you blame?
what is the truth?
are all people the same?
image is one thing, but how irrelevant
in what makes us human, it's one small component
our souls are worth much more
yet always overlooked
years full of pain
hung on your hook
well, we all have our vices
and our own reasons why
for our actions in life
but everything dies
Untitled
Elysian peace is what I seek,
a prideless prize without critique,
of pestering peers, and troubled tomorrows,
far from anguish, and fear and sorrows.
A sheer mask laid over my heart,
deadening feeling when I depart.
Away from the crowds, away from the rush.
Almost a shield, unable to crush.
It cradles me, allows me to emote,
working as my favorite scapegoat.
My pretend life as one without care,
allowing me to believe the world may be fair.
Untitled
I wish I flowed through your veins
and the cuts under your sleeves bled me
and you noticed how close I wish I could be
to your frail existance
and I wish I held you together
like the glue you so need
it would be lovely, indeed
to be what kept you from falling apart and breaking
Untitled
I fall apart
pieces of who I was, pieces of who I am
kill the demons that tear at my flesh
and rip my soul to empty me
rid me of emotion
and accuse my maker
these abrasions tattoo skin
thick skin and ugliness
open wounds to punish yourself
worthless and terrible
wreckless and unbearable
painfully empty
Untitled
Mechanical brains, taught to think the same
rolling through motions like wheels on a train
think nothing of a major ordain
and kill yourself a little more everyday
nobody hears your cries
nobody seems to live for love
the sound of the bottle is music
be afraid
heartless monsters will eat you up
and demolish, corrupt
they lead you and feed you
to make you not feel
and hide the pain that you can't conceal
Untitled
In my head
visions collect in my brain
torment and tease me
makes me insane
I've become my worse nightmare
part of the walking dead
seeing in black and white
pixelated memory fading away
I won't fight for them anymore
absorb the madness that makes it alright
so I can breathe again
inhale, exhale
automatic system
God's given right
your day is my night
I live by the moon,
if I'm living at all
clocks seem to tick backwards
and I walk the same way
I still can't find the right words to say
nothing can make this go away
Untitled
Her eyes seen more than you would in nine lives
you wouldn't believe the tears they've cried
and the grins of people you couldn't call sane
and the infinite sky pounding down rain
kaleidoscope eyes, full of sadness
colors meshing into blurry madness
of sights, thoughts, visions, no one should see
and unacceptable reality
These are not all of my poetry from my notebook. I'll add more when I get around to it. This goes the same for the rest of my similarly titled posts.
Untitled
Everyone fears be undoubtedly flawed
yet we are all one
magnificent people externally
all our blood is red
mortal torment makes conformity
bringing opposites together, inevitably
we are all so good at existance
but where is the passion?
and who is to say when love is real?
what is accomplishment?
words, words, words, actions, painful, heartwrenching, words
Untitled
It can be so lonely in your head
engulfed by secrets left unsaid
who is to know? who can you blame?
what is the truth?
are all people the same?
image is one thing, but how irrelevant
in what makes us human, it's one small component
our souls are worth much more
yet always overlooked
years full of pain
hung on your hook
well, we all have our vices
and our own reasons why
for our actions in life
but everything dies
Untitled
Elysian peace is what I seek,
a prideless prize without critique,
of pestering peers, and troubled tomorrows,
far from anguish, and fear and sorrows.
A sheer mask laid over my heart,
deadening feeling when I depart.
Away from the crowds, away from the rush.
Almost a shield, unable to crush.
It cradles me, allows me to emote,
working as my favorite scapegoat.
My pretend life as one without care,
allowing me to believe the world may be fair.
Untitled
I wish I flowed through your veins
and the cuts under your sleeves bled me
and you noticed how close I wish I could be
to your frail existance
and I wish I held you together
like the glue you so need
it would be lovely, indeed
to be what kept you from falling apart and breaking
Untitled
I fall apart
pieces of who I was, pieces of who I am
kill the demons that tear at my flesh
and rip my soul to empty me
rid me of emotion
and accuse my maker
these abrasions tattoo skin
thick skin and ugliness
open wounds to punish yourself
worthless and terrible
wreckless and unbearable
painfully empty
Untitled
Mechanical brains, taught to think the same
rolling through motions like wheels on a train
think nothing of a major ordain
and kill yourself a little more everyday
nobody hears your cries
nobody seems to live for love
the sound of the bottle is music
be afraid
heartless monsters will eat you up
and demolish, corrupt
they lead you and feed you
to make you not feel
and hide the pain that you can't conceal
Untitled
In my head
visions collect in my brain
torment and tease me
makes me insane
I've become my worse nightmare
part of the walking dead
seeing in black and white
pixelated memory fading away
I won't fight for them anymore
absorb the madness that makes it alright
so I can breathe again
inhale, exhale
automatic system
God's given right
your day is my night
I live by the moon,
if I'm living at all
clocks seem to tick backwards
and I walk the same way
I still can't find the right words to say
nothing can make this go away
Untitled
Her eyes seen more than you would in nine lives
you wouldn't believe the tears they've cried
and the grins of people you couldn't call sane
and the infinite sky pounding down rain
kaleidoscope eyes, full of sadness
colors meshing into blurry madness
of sights, thoughts, visions, no one should see
and unacceptable reality
Long Time Coming
I'm back, and this time, my writings are from a time in my life very hard to speak about. Everything written is freshly excerpted from a composition book full of my thoughts, theories, poetry, pictures, everything. Though it was built on a specific idea, I think many will be able to relate to a lot of ideas. It is in no specific order and I will start posting a new one every time I can. These are all created by me and are circa March-August 2010.
22.6.10
Ramble
This apartment is starting to look really sad. Boxes fill it up and it's just too clean, it doesn't quite feel like home anymore. I guess it's not home for long. Two more days until I have to start all over again. Trip to the Philippines got cancelled (depressing!) Things aren't going to well with the familia. If my dad didn't have to be such a jerk, things may be a little different. On the bright side, I've been reeling in a lot of e-mails from photographers here in North Carolina, even a few in New York. That means more travel, also meaning more money to spend! Modeling is such a cut throat business. Not only in that everyone is so critical about everything involving you, but because it really breaks your wallet, also. Traveling up to NYC for a shoot is NOT cheap. Knowing you're getting paid to have your pictures taken is always wonderful and it looks great on your resume, but sometimes you spend more than you make. I know in the long run it won't be but small pickles. Things will get better. It always does somehow.
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